| (no subject) |
[Jun. 12th, 2006|11:02 pm] |
Rest In Peace Grandma I Love You So Much |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|12:53 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Placebo - Every you and every me | ] |
This weekend was all in all a fucking perfect weekend minus the rain. Friday night, My team owned. Saturday, bagels, church parking lots, everyone being beyond the definition of wasted. Sunday, late night movies, comfy beds, attempts of not sleeping. Honestly, i cannot pick out one bad part of this weekend.
On the other side of things, this is the last week of high school. I dont know whether to feel nervous, scared, happy, excited, anything. Honestly, i really dont have any opinion on leaving high school yet. On graduating. On going to college. It just hasnt hit me, and honestly, i dont think its ever really going to. I know myself, i know how i work. The day of graduation is going to be difficult. That will be hard. Saying my goodbyes, to people, teachers, the school itself, everything. But after that, i know its going to be summer. Its going to feel like summer. Im going to do the same things i did last summer this summer, and it will feel so routine by then, to just go back to high school in september. But then we'll drive to georgia. And ill settyle in there, and start going to school there. And although ive been expecting a shock, i feel like i'll be so preoccuppied making this place my new home, that "it" whatever "it" is, wont hit me. I guess it is the shock of leaving home and leaving the town you know and the people you know and everything you know behind. But im hoping that i'll be so busy, that the shock wont ever come. I guess we'll see how it goes.
But honestly, i can say that i am going to miss each and every one of my friends so much. Im really convinced that a day isnt going to go by without me thinking of everyone, and i really do mean everyone. Im planning on making about 43289 picture frames before i go, and covering the walls with them. I really hope this summer will leave me with as many memories of the people i love as possible. You all know who you are. You are the world to me. and thats that. no arguement.
alright, i need to go to bed to wake up for school.
for the last week.
This really is fucking crazy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2006|09:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lethargic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Gouge away - The Pixies | ] |
Half of today is a complete mystery to me. If i ever met a zombie, i think it would have wakled, taled and looked like i did today.
My current realization is that a human can NOT operate on 2 hours of sleep. It just doesnt happen.
The major thing i remember from today, is the fact that my mom and dad have been really, really, REALLY, unnaturally nice to me. I hate it when theyre really nice, because it means they either feel bad because theyre hiding something from me, or theyre in a really good mood, and tomorrow theyre going to be complete assholes.
Prom is coming and im honestly petrified, because my dress is too big for my boobs and too small at my hips and i dont have the money to get it altered. and then theres always, well, erm
A FUCKING DATE
I'm not as worried as i convince myself that i am though. I dont nkow. the way i look at it, one way or another, im going to have an amazing time, because amazing people are in my limmo, and we will have a drunktastic time afterwards. I just think its sad that theres a high chance i will be missing out on sex.
hahahaha, and speaking of sex. I had a really funny conversation with someone last night. Or basically what someone said was "well, the way i see it, doing druge and having sex is directly related." I thought about that for a good few seconds and realized.... "if they were directly related, i would be having alot more sex then im having now." It seemed alot funnier at the moment, probably because i was having the conversation with 3 guys and their 3 girlfriends.
My allergies have been killing me these past few days. I cant stop coughing, and the combination of cancer smoking and prom hasnt helped it. I feel like every time i start coughing my lung is slowly being turned inside out , and its eventually going to be completely inside out, and start going onto my trachea, until i finally cough it up, with the trachea attached, insideout, and then i can sit there in my last minutes of life, because i mean, my lung will be in my hand, and examine the damage all the weed and tobacco and hashish has done to it, and then ill repent and go to heaven, and then get kicked out of heaven on 666 because i feel like somethign completely unholy needs to be done by everyone in the world, even those innocent souls in heaven, because 666 only happens once every hundred years or so. And i plan on taking full advantage of it, even if i am in heaven, with my lung hanging out of my mouth, attached by my insideout trachea.
But pray for me so that doesnt happen.
I hope this weekend turns out as good as it seems like its going to. maddddddddd beer pong tomorrow night. next day some fantastic party, and sunday Joey And Jenny go to the city. & smoothies. And also! next weekend i start my job at towerrrrrrrrrrr.
THANKYOUJARETFORGETTINGMETHEJOB.
I just started coughing again, this is fucking awful.
Alright. Thats really all i had to write about, I just got bore dof seeing my same old useless complaints on every entry so i would spice it out with a couple of laughs.
HOORAY |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2006|10:56 am] |
I'm really not capable of writing entries in here that will move people to tears, or make people angry, happy, anything.
Nothing i say is really of any significance to anyone but myself.
Good days, bad days, happiness, anger.
It reflects me, not necessarily everyone else.
But sometimes things happen that really put the world in perspective,
and i wish i had the ability to share the way i feel right now with enyone who reads this.
But i cant. I cant begin to describe the different feelings that have been rushing through my brain all morning, but all i can say, is never waste a moment that you have. If you have potential, live up to it, dont just ignore it. Life is way too short to go on acting as if you have all the time in the world. You never know when a life will simply be snatched away from you, unexpected, unpredicted, violent and cruel. You never know when those you love will no longer be there for you. So appreciate every fucking minute you have with every person in your life. Every minute you're alive. Dont let a second escape you. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 16th, 2006|03:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  rejuvenated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Joy Division - Love will tear us apart | ] |
Wednesdays are slowly becoming my new favorite day of the week!
Tomorrow will be most excellent, ill be sure to go into detail about it on thursday
and i cant wait till the 24th!! :-)
i need to go to robeks and get a big wednesday smoothie.
yeahhhhh wednesdays :-) |
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| Your face is the color of his bandana. |
[May. 11th, 2006|12:03 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Getup Kids | ] |
despite the complete embarassment,
I'm really happy tonight happened.
Some changes will probably occurring sometime soon.
I knew they were coming.
I just needed a little boost to let mysef face them.
And this boost definately came tonight.
YAYAYAYAYAY |
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| impossible. |
[May. 9th, 2006|11:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Bad Mouth - Fugazi | ] |
The thing that i have had the most difficulty finding in my life is mutuality.
In all respects.
who knows. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2006|03:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Explosions in the Sky | ] |
Realization;
the past doesnt matter anymore.
put it behind you
fix what you can.
Be thankful for the present
as gross awful and disgusting as it may be.
The future is here. |
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| You Can Play These Songs With Chords |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|10:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Every Planet We Reach Is Dead - Gorillaz | ] |
Things are ok!
these past few days have been Good
very good at times.
I honestly think when i listen to the full album "You Can Play These Songs With Chords" by deathcab for cutie, things just go well
i think it brings good luck.
i suggest you listen to it.
My day ended with a boy, a coffee, a donut, and a cigarette.
It was spectacular. |
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| Car Abuse |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|10:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Appleseed Cast - Hello Dearest Love | ] |
I have so much i would like to say
to so many people.
and i dont know how to do it.
Ive said it aloud to myself
ive written it on paper
typed it
backspaced
erased
laughed at myself.
I wish i had the courage that most people do to speak their minds as often as they please.
but i dont.
I guess its trouble communicating.
i dont know what it is. |
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| Crash. |
[Mar. 30th, 2006|11:30 pm] |
Have you ever had no idea what to do?
not about anything specific.
Just in general, have you ever had no idea what to do?
I think i feel like that right now.
My body has gone absolutely numb.
My ears are ringing.
I dont fucking know.
And i think thats because in my heart i know theres nothing i can do.
I dont know what thought is worse.
Not knowing what to do
Or facing the reality that there is nothing i can do.
Facing the reality that i have no control anymore.
Nothing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 28th, 2006|09:38 pm] |
TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!$&*(*()^@#$%^&*+(*)&(*%#%&^^*(*()&&^*( |
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| I refuse. |
[Mar. 12th, 2006|09:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Michio's Death Drive - Minus The Bear | ] |
You definately underestimate me. |
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| details. |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|09:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Under My Umbrella - Incubus | ] |
Inhale.
Right now air is moving down your trachea and bronchi into your bronchioles. The oxygen in the air you inhaled dissolves, and diffuses across your epithelium, and into the web of capillaries that surrounds all of your alveolus (which are the millions of air sacs that the smallest bronchioles end in.)At the same time, your rib muscles contract, resulting in your rib cage expanding, & your diaphram contracts, which changes the air pressure in your lungs. The change in pressure allows air to rush into the lungs because the pressure of the lungs fell below that of the atmosphere.
Amazing the details involved in the simplest things. |
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| wrong. |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|08:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | In A Safe Place - The Album Leaf | ] |
People will be people, no matter how good you are to them.
No matter how many things you do for people
no matter how you treat them, how much shit you put up with.
no matter how many times you put them before yourself.
people will never change.
people will be people
and people will think for themselves, and be selfish, and think in the moment, and not think twice about you
or how badly they may hurt you
or about how everything theyve ever said to you becomes questionable.
Im tired of being lied to
and im tired of forgiving
im tired of forgetting
and im so tired of caring.
im tired of taking blame
and im tired of saying im sorry.
but for some reason or another
i always feel its necessary to apologize
and to look at situations from others perspectives
to take blame to avoid confrontation,
and to forgive and forget things that shouldnt necessarily be forgotten.
Thats just who i am.
and please, if anyone can make it so i dont care
tell me how
because caring is killing me.
And as far as this goes.
Im forgiving.
& im doing my best to forget.
Ignorance is bliss.
..Its amazing how true that phrase is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|07:10 pm] |
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imworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworriedimworried. |
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| ! |
[Mar. 5th, 2006|12:25 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | relaxed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ten Thosand Animal Cells - Q and not U | ] |
today was excellent.
went out to hicksville
met up w/ shane & others
"went to hell" thich for hell was pretty fucking cold
after freezing off fngers there, shane and i began our drive out to lars'.
alfway there shane hd o go back and shivel his driveway.
his mom gave me a hammer, and to hit the ice as if it were shanes head.
hahahahahahahah
i love it when peoples mothers say things like that
it makes an entire situation so akward.
so we cleaned off his driveway and front walk, and i attacked shit with my hammer.
finally the driveway passed the mom test, and we went overlars's
larseyyyy, he was so tan, i was so ridiculously jealous.
i made mad ramen.
delicious
so then their friend came nd they wer egonan leave to g to a party otu n medford.
i had the mapquest diretions in my hand, btu it was just so far, and i dont have that kind of gas money.
so i called brendo back
andme and nicole met up with him
and saw the laser light show for radiohead at the vanderbuild.
definately a good choice.
for that small amout of time, everythign was fucking perfect.
like,i had a big ridiculous smile on my face the whole time.
it was really alot of fun.
then we went back to 1 of brendos friends houses and watched these fucking dudes beat the shit out of each other.
it was a fantastic night.
i like how everythign is right now.
i wish that certain situations didnt have as much tension
and i wish i didnt have to worry about certain things as much as i do
but i cant cntrol any of that.
for now all i can really do is be happy with the situation i have.
and for the most part i am.
i have work tomorrow at chuck e...i feel liek i havent been there in ages.
andi honestly dontmind that feeling whatsoever
i just wish i had money, because 1st insurance payment came and now im fucking broke till net paycheck which i think may be friday
WAHOOOO PAYCHECKKKK
and then i gt paid from daycare on the 15th
and im hoping thats gonna be a nice sized paycheck...
at least a hundred.
whatevaaaa
ok, bed. |
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| Clean |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|09:39 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Collapse - Sparta | ] |
I think what i miss the most
is simplicity. |
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| Line of best fit. |
[Feb. 26th, 2006|12:09 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Champagne From A Paper Cup - Deathcab For Cutie | ] |
I like smiling.
Today was full of giggles.
Val and i went out to the mall
thought abotu food
tried on dresses
ate mad food
gooooooooooooood food.
drove around and found the biggest truck ever on the way to her dads house.
out-badassed that big fucking truck.
scared old men with ETID, On Broken Wings, and The#12.
proudproud.
picked up shane&corey.
i feel like i need to make their names 1 word like the guy did in lord of the flies.
sam&something. i dont remember their names.
but yeah
shane&corey.
they got drunk in my backseat, then we brought corey into a public place!
bean.
drove round.
went home for 10 min.
smoked the fuckgin biggest joint ive ever seen in my entire fucknig life.
val became a tourguide.
ahhahahahahah!
ummm, jade joe ryan josh!
been waytoo long. i needa see them soon.
drove round more.
ate food.
i know 2morra ill be thinking "why white castle"
but i wont lie, the cheeseburgers hit the mother fucking spot.
perfection.
drove boys home.
drove home myself
realized how much i LOVE deathcab for cutie
because they make sense.
even if this song IS a cover
its a fucking good cover.
....is this even a cover?
summer's gone
i overslept and woke up to the chill of fall
overworked and now i'm all used up
this tv haze sucks me through
i watch the world from me inside
overworked and now i'm all used up
final drag, fills my lungs and makes me high
they fill up, as i bottom out
steering wheels, watch them driving driving
with some place to go, i'd steer myself, but i don't have a route
what perfection.
ive never understood a song more then iunderstand this paragraph.
pics form tonite because im too lazy to make a link.
"I feel so upper class!"
"Just to prove we were here!"
fatties.
Look at the large truck!
corey in public places. fantastic :-)
uno.
y dos.
ahhahahasmile.
Tour Guide!
words arent even needed for this.
i just gotta stayyyyyy......
have you ever felt like your eyelids were almost stuck to your eyeballs and when you blink the whole world shakes for a second or 2?
its fantastic. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2006|06:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Beck - E-Pro | ] |
I wish i didnt care so much. |
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